Hey there! Just thought I would do a life check and share with all of you what I’ve been experiencing in my life and hopefully give some insight as to what goes on in my head. Forgive me if this becomes word vomit.
After taking a permanent break from college, I quickly learned what it meant to be financially independent. Being an adult is no fun. I wish I was 4 again, for real. Trying to follow your dreams and passions while also having to pay bills and rent can lead to a life full of compromises and seemingly failures. Doing anything other than your dream job can feel like you’re a miserable failure and leave you wanting to cry, give-up, and run all the way back to your tiny little hometown. And honestly thanks to my dramatics, there have been several occasions where that almost happened. Luckily I've been very blessed to have a family that encourages me to continue to pursue my God given desires while still reminding me that following that path will not always be full of living with excess or being completely satisfied with my situations. However, I wouldn’t give up what I do for anything. There are plenty of times when I get disappointed and think I should just give up and get a regular job and become more financially stable, but I really do feel like I am right where God wants me to be. I’ve learned more about myself and, more importantly, the provision of God in my current situation than I would have had I chosen a different path.
Lately I've been frustrated with my wardrobe. I almost always wind up with nothing to wear and a room covered in mountains of ripped jeans, band t's, and various sneakers that don’t match. This is ironically an accurate representation for my life. I always think, "if only I had more money then…." Or, “I would be so much happier if I had more money”. It always seems to come down to “more money” being the goal.
I think that we have to remember that this attitude of having more to get more things is not what will really bring us satisfaction and fulfillment. These material things won't change anything in our life other than our general appearance or our short attention spans.
In terms of clothing, it can be frustrating to want certain pieces and styles that I just simply cannot afford. But I would much rather work with what I've got, whether that means shopping at goodwill or “DIY” everything I own if that means that I can focus on what will really last in my life. Thank God for birthdays and Christmas! Am I right!? My answer is always the same when my parents ask what I want. Clothes! This almost always leads to a shopping trip seeing as how you can't just buy something and hope it will fit me. Being 6'3 has its disadvantages. My mom compares it to dressing a giraffe.
Anyway, just thought I would share my thoughts and frustrations. I know it can seem that I have this grand life and I'm off "living the dream" pursuing an acting career, fashion blogging, and modeling for various campaigns, but the truth is I still have the same feelings and problems as everyone else. Life goes beyond what you do. You can live the most grand and full life, but still feel completely empty and useless when you’re alone again. Whether your filthy rich and have everything you have ever wanted or feel like your life is a train wreck and you have nothing to offer, we all experience the same emotions and feeling of doubt and failure. Whatever material things we have accumulated, they will never truly satisfy what we all are really desiring. That desire, I have found is only satisfied when I am pursuing Jesus with everything that I am. When I forget to do that everything falls apart and the nice things I have accomplish nothing other than camouflage to the bundle of anxiety and depression that I am.
The "living the dream" type of life style can sometimes be filled with a lot of criticism, self-doubt, depression and anxiety, and loneliness. Honestly, the higher someone is elevated the higher level their problems probably are.
Well, enough with the heavy. I just really wanted to share that my life is not always as perfect as it seems. The last thing I want to accomplish with my blog is to make someone feel like they aren’t good enough or that they don’t matter because their life doesn’t look like mine does. Photos are just photos. They don’t really show who someone really is. God has to continuously teach me to rely on him and his word. Without that I always revert back to a lifestyle of pursuing things as opposed to the creator of those things. I make the mistake of sometime trying to find that firm foundation in my lifestyle whether that is clothes, my appearance, or even others’ opinions of me. We simply can't go through life that way.